It’s really hard man. This is really hard. I am in thing of finding myself and life and tons of other things that are interesting to me. I am not spending time studying like I should. I like the classes but not as much as I like what I am figuring out. I really just want to take go, but not just the usually…”I need to get away because my life sucks, or its hectic or stressful” but it’s different. It’s so hard to explain. God its hard to explain. I love my life here its fun, but my mind wonders to more important things, or what I consider more important. I feel like I have to perform, I have to put on an act of studying and caring about my grades. What really sucks is not that I might get a c in a class, but that what my professors think. I don’t want them to feel like I am disrespecting them. I don’t like learning under restraints, that’s one thing. Another thing, I tell my self time and time again, the grade doesn’t matter and it helps at times, but then my old conditioned ways bang me in the head again of wanting to make an A. Why? Because I care too much of what others think. It must be that I am not 100% sure of myself just yet to hold firm with how I want my life to be, and how it WILL turn out to be a success. It WILL, I don’t give a fuck what anyone says. God but everyone around me tells me things that are contradicting to want I really want. And when I talk to them I get confused, cuz I think. Well they are right I do want an A in my class. And then I feel guilty that I am not doing the work to get an A. but what the fuck. Do you really really want or need that A. why do you want that A. why? I want the A because it shows that someone knows how to study. It shows that someone is smart. So what are you saying, you’re not smart. You know that’s a load of crap. You study 20 mins b4 a midterm and you still make a b. you don’t so shit and you still do well, imagine how well you would do if you set your mind to it. _____ OKAY THIS IS IT!!! I feel conflicted because that’s what I thought I wanted. I wanted to prove to myself that I can set my mind to anything and do it. I wanted to make A’s. And I feel bad that I haven’t been as disciplined as I thought I would be. So im conflicted right now because I don’t know what I want. Do I want what I really wanted before, to make A’s, or do I want what I say I want now, to follow my happiness and find myself. I don’t know I want both. I really want to continue finding myself because its going so fast and I want it to continue going fast but if I do all that I could to make an A, then I wouldn’t be having the fun that I am having with my friends. I am living my life and I LOVE IT! Think about it, would you like it if all you did was study and made all A’s. hmm??? Not very much, okay but wait, what you want is the ability to hang out with your friends and still make A’s. I want to be able to hangout with my friends, family, and spend time with myself, sleep and all this and still make A’s. is this possible. Is this possible. Okay. Cuz when I look at me not being in school and doing everything else that I want I don’t feel complete either. Okay okay okkkay. I just have to organize for the time being. Just go. Don’t think. Just do it. Don’t think about it. Just do it. Don’t think about it just do it. That is realllllllyyyy hard. This is the challenge., do it. Do it. You will only get better. Do not feel down on yourself when you don’t do this or that. It is all game. Remember it is all a game. It is all a game. It is all a game. It is all a game. What are you giving your attention to. Think about it. Give your attention to what you want right now. Write it out.
I want to make A’s. I want to make A’s. I want to get my work done before schedule. I want to get my stuff done before schedule. I like being productive. I like my shit done way before schedule. I like always being on top of my stuff. I like always being on top of things. I love being organized. I love being organized. I love being organized. I love getting my stuff done. I love being smart enough to get things and work assignments done ridiculously fast . I am ridiculously fast. I am so fast when it comes to learning. O=h goodness please. Please. Please. Thank you. You . I want this transformation to happen really really fasstttttttttttttt. Please . thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.
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